


you're writing lines about me

by mindofmaliik (sweetstisaac)



Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: Basically it's a letter written by Zayn to Louis, M/M, No Dialogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-13
Updated: 2016-03-13
Packaged: 2018-05-26 12:34:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6239563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetstisaac/pseuds/mindofmaliik
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After 4 years, 5 months and 25 days, Zayn finally sits down to do it. </p><p>( or the letter Zayn wrote to Louis )</p>
            </blockquote>





	you're writing lines about me

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I had a good idea and then I just kept rambling. I don't think anyone will actually read/enjoy this but I had fun writing it which is all that matters.

_Louis,_

_I think this is a bit overdue._

_I know it’s been awhile since we last spoke. Four years, five months and twenty-five days to be exact. Not like I’m counting or anything._

_Things are really taking off for me. I don’t know if you’ve been keeping up like I have with you and the lads. Don’t know if you got as proud of me when the album went number one as I did with you and the boys. I suppose that might be a bit too much to ask. You’ve probably stayed as far away from me as possible. For four fucking years, god Lou._

_I don’t blame you. There’s not a single situation in which I could imagine thinking this was your fault. I know it’s my fault. I’m the one who left, the one who ran at the first chance I got, the one who fucked it all up. The one who left you behind. Fuck Louis you should’ve come with me. I asked. I didn’t want to do this alone. Without you. You should’ve come._

_I’m glad you didn’t. Not because I don’t miss you more than I thought fucking possible. Because I do. Miss you that is. I miss you so fucking much, Louis._

_No, I’m glad you didn’t come because I know it’s not what you wanted. I know it wouldn’t have made you happy and that’s all I’ve ever wanted Lou. I know it might not seem like it but it is. We could never really have been happy together. Not with me still in the band. It wasn’t right for me. Not a day goes by where I’m not thankful for the experience, for you four lads who turned out to be the best people I’d ever know but I had to do it. I had to leave. I had to Lou, maybe not in the was that I done it but it would’ve happened either way. Shit I’m supposed to be the one that’s good with words. Why is this so bloody hard?_

_You guys were my best friends for almost five years. I shared some of the best years of my life with you and it breaks my heart that I’ve not spoken to any of you in as long as we were friends. Almost 5 years, Lou. I’m finally happy in what I’m doing with my life and none of you are here to share it with me._

_We’ve missed out on 5 years of each others lives. I don’t want to miss anymore._

_It’s been **1,642 days** since I last touched you. **39,408 hours** since I last saw you, real and in front of me. I’ve never been the numbers guy. Used to rely on Liam for that didn’t we? I can never remember album stats or sale numbers but I’ve been counting a lot of things lately. _

_The number of minutes it’s been since we last saw each other; **2,364,480**. The number of songs I’ve written about you; **seventy-three**. The number of your t-shirts I still have; **eight**. The number of times I told you I loved you; **four**. _

_The number of times I broke your heart; **one**._

_And fuck that one out weighs everything, doesn’t it?_

_I’ll never fucking forgive myself for hurting you Lou. Can’t live with myself knowing I broke your heart._

_I’m not sorry. Not for leaving, not really. I had to do it. You know I had too. You always said you wanted me to be happy and I think you knew that’s the only way it could happen, truly._

_So no, I’m not sorry for leaving. I’m sorry for the way it happened._

_I’m sorry for taking all my shit out on you when all you ever tried to do was help._

_I should’ve told you before I left. Should’ve told you I was leaving right away. But you said no. I asked you “hypothetically” if I was too leave if you’d come with me. And you said no. And I know it was stupid and selfish for me too even ask. I can’t believe how much of a dick I was too put you in that situation. But you said no. You said no and you laughed it off and you crushed me, Louis. I don’t blame you, not for a second but I was already breaking apart then. You were the only thing holding me together and you broke me. I had to leave. I couldn’t tell you. At the time, in my head, it would’ve only made things worse. I would’ve said shit I didn’t mean to hurt you like you hurt me because I’m a horrible person who can’t deal with their own fucking feelings._

_If I’d told you... would I still be writing this letter?_

_Could I have prevented all of this? Could I have not missed 234 weeks and 4 days of your life?_

_I tried to call. I tried and I tried but numbers change just like people apparently. My number hasn’t changed. In four years, my number hasn’t changed. Don’t know what that says about me as a person._

_I tried to call but you changed your number. I kept mine in case you tried. I lost that hope long ago._

_Shit Louis, I’m rambling now. Turns out getting 4 years worth of shit out takes a lot of paper._

_I’m so sorry. There will never be a time that I don’t want to say that to you. That I don’t want to scream it from the fucking rooftops._

_I’m probably not gonna send this letter. I hope you’ve moved on and aren’t plagued by the same ghosts I am. This isn’t the first one I’ve wrote but I hope it’ll be the last. Hope I’m selfish enough one last time when it comes to you and finally send it. Or hope I’m finally brave enough to stop trying to drag you into my messes again._

_If I have sent it, and you’ve read this far please just know that I love you. I love you so fucking much I feel like I could break sometimes. Just shatter into a million tiny pieces that would never be enough for you. You’re like the stars Louis. Bright and burning and no one will ever be good enough to touch you._ _I hope you’ve moved on. Hope you’re finally happy in a way I could never make you, but if you’re not. If you’re not I would destroy myself to fix you. To fix us._

_Give the boys my love, if you could. I miss them almost as much as you._

_I love you, Lou._

_Z._

**Author's Note:**

> Okaaaaaaay so if you actually read all that thank you! 
> 
> I've been debating writing a reply from Louis and maybe a proper chaptered fic which goes through them writing the letters and then coming together again.
> 
> If you think that sound like something I should do pls let me know either in the comments or on tumblr. I'm @mindofmaliik over there :)


End file.
